Four Years Ago

Man, I’ve been taking a couple trips down memory lane. And when I say Memory Lane, I mean Memory “God I was a massive tool” Lane. I’m talking, wait for it…

Livejournal.

Hell’s yeah. Going back over my sniveling adorations and pseudo-cleverness from four years ago. Can you say “Most fun around?” (Faithful readers of the Emerald Press, can you say “BBQ”?)

I’m officially proud of just one entry in that mess of overdramatic neuroses over a high school life that was actually really awesome. It was written April 19, 2005 (wow, over four years ago? Holy oboes.)

…You guessed it, folks. It’s putting the lyrics of different songs together to make silly jumbles.

Here are the old ones…and I have a good idea for one new one, but my mind is blanking on others right now. Any suggestions?
The following tracks are:

You Can’t Touch Mr. Brightside- The Hammerkillers
When I Come Together- The Green Beatles
Respect In My Car- Aretha Cent
Take Me In My Place- Cold Ferdinand
Goodies In The Life- Ciara Beatles
and…
Love Story On A Boat- The Lonely Taylor Swift

You Can’t Touch Mr. Brightside- The Hammerkillers

Coming out of my cage, you can’t touch this
Because I want it all, oh Lord
The superdope homeboy from the Oak-Town
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, and this is the beat ah

Now I’m falling asleep, and shes calling a cab
You can’t touch this, I told you homeboy
Yeah thats how we’re living, and now they’re going to bed
Look in my eyes, my stomach is sick
And its all in my head, you cant touch this
But shes touching his chest now (you can’t touch this)
Let me bust the funky lyrics

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis
But its just the price I pay, I told you homeboy
You can’t touch this
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

STOP! Hammer Time!
repeat verse

When I Come Together- The Green Beatles

Here come old flat top, I heard him across town
You been searching for that holy roller
And its me out on the prowl
Well dont get lonely now, he says I know you you know me
I’m just roaming for the moment
You been thinking about ditching me
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I’ll be found
When I come together, right now, over me

I heard it all before, he bag production
I’m a loser and a user so I don’t need no accuser
He got feet down below his knee
So try and slag me down because I know you’re right

He roller coaster, go do what you like
He said one and one and one is three
You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there
You can’t go forcing something cause its so hard to see

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I’ll be found
When I come together, right now, over me

Respect In My Car (duet)- Aretha Cent

What you want, baby I got
I’m a straight guerrila wit it, cold hearted killa wit it
What you need, Any n getting out a line can get it
My rap money slow up, what you lookin at pussy
We ain’t buddies, I just need a little respect
When you come home, if your bitch wanna roll

I got no pickup lines, I stay on the grind
I just need a little respect
Bitch, get in my car

I’m the shyiit, I ain’t gonna do you wrong when you’re gone
Better watch yo girl man, I leave with your bitch
Baby all I’m asking for is a little respect when you come home
Backseat of my jeep, fuck till I fuck up her make up
I’m about to give you all of my money
Spent a life savings in a day, cause she likes me
And all I’m asking in return is for my profits

I got no pickup lines, I stay on the grind
I just need a little respect
Bitch, get in my car

Look into my eyes, your kisses sweeter than honey
Its ganja in my system, I’m high
Give it me when you get home, love wont get you on the bus
RESPECT, that is what it means to me
Man you should see the pretty bitches that be sexin’ me
Find out what it means to me

Oh sock it to me sock it to me
I got no pickup lines, I stay on the grind
Sock it to me sock it to me
I tell the hoes all the time
Sock it to me sock it to me
I just need a little respect
Bitch, get in my car

Sock it to me, sock it to me
G-G-G-G-Unit

Take Me In My Place- Cold Ferdinand

So if you’re lonely in my place
You know I’m here waiting for you
On these lines I could not change
I’m broken and shattered, and I’m lost
Crossed lines I shouldn’t have crossed
I’m just a crosshair, I’m just a shot

How long must you wait for it?
I know I won’t be leaving here, with you
Yeah, how long must you wait for it

I say don’t you know
I was scared, tired, and unprepared
I say… take me out
But I wait for it

Yeah, how long must you wait for it
Don’t move time is slow
I say… take me out

I know I won’t be leaving here, with you
Please come back and sing to me
Come on and sing it now
Come on and take me out

In my place, in my place
I know I won’t be leaving here, with you
These lines that I could not change
I know I won’t be leaving here, with you

Goodies in the Life (Ciara Beatles)

My goodies, my goodies, my goodies

I read the news today, oh boy
You may look at me and think that I’m just a
Lucky man who made the grade
Baby this is what I’m looking for
I just had to laugh, I saw the photograph

Sexy independent blew his mind out in a car
He didn’t notice that the lights had changed
That’s the way I gotta have it
A crowd of people want my goodies
They’ve seen my face before
Nobody was really sure if I was from the house of Lords

Got you all hot and bothered
I saw a film today
If you’re looking for the goodies
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Keep on looking cause they stay in the jar

Just because you drive a Benz I’m not going home with you
Drag a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs, I’m no rookie
Sexy independent, but looking up I noticed I was late

Found my coat and grabbed my hat
I’m not being too dramatic, made the bus in seconds flat
You think you’re slick, have a smoke
Somebody spoke “That’s just how I gotta have it”

I read the news today, oh boy
I bet you want the goodies
And though the goodies were rather small
They had to count them all
Keep on looking cause they stay in the jar

You’re insinuating that I’m hot
I’d love to turn you on
No you can’t call me later
The goodies stay in the jar
New…

Love Story On A Boat- The Lonely Taylor Swift, feat. T-Pain

Get your towels ready, it’s about to go down!
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck
But stay on your motherfucking toes!
We runnin’ this let’s go

We were both young when I first saw you
Close my eyes and the flashback starts, I’m on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat

See the lights, take a look at me
See the party, the ball gowns on the deep blue sea
Bustin’ five knots, little did I know
You can’t stop me motherfucker, cause
You were Romeo and you’re on a boat, bitch
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
I got my swim trunks, and I’m beggin’ you please don’t go

And I said Romeo take me, I’m doin’ flips and shit
The dolphin’s splashin’, all that’s left to do is run
But this ain’t Sea World, I’ll be the princess
I’m on a boat, motherfucker, baby just say yes

So I sneak out on a boat to see you
We keep quiet cause we’re dead if they knew, so close your eyes
I’m the king of the world, and you’re a scarlet letter
And my daddy said Get the fuck up! This boat is real!

Romeo take me on a boat, motherfucker
Fuck trees, all that’s left to do is run
I’m on the deck with my boys, and you’re the princess
It’s a love story, motherfucker

Romeo save me, if you could see me now
This love is difficult, but it’s real
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow
Like Kevin Garnett, baby just say yes

I got tired of waiting, wonderin’ if you would ever be on a boat
My faith in you was fading
Poseidon, look at me
Never thought I’d see the day, when I met you on the outskirts of town

And I said, Romeo save me there’s a big boat coming my way
I keep waiting for you but you fucked a mermaid
Is this in my head, I don’t know what to think
He knelt on a boat, pulled out a ring and said

Marry me Juliet, I’m on a motherfucking boat
I love you and I’m sailing on a boat
Take a good hard look and pick out a white dress
It’s a love story on a boat, baby just say yes

We were both young when I first saw you (on a motherfucking boat)

Willikers I can’t think of more right now. I will later. But what did I promise earlier? A whole slate of allusions and observations? Frig! I can’t do that right now! May I merely recommend things, in no particular order, that are good? A better ramble and more songs I shall purvey later.

RECOMMENDED THINGS:

NBA Live 2005
Belle and Sebastian
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
The Shawshank Redemption
Key Lime Pie Yogurt
Root beer floats
Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde
Dostoyevsky
How I Met Your Mother
Baseball Prospectus
Chess
Game Theory
Arrested Development
Love, Actually
McTeague (on second thought, no, not really at all)
Mr. Montas
Crunchy Peanut Butter
Number theory
P.G. Wodehouse Jeeves books
Andy Samberg
etc.

Peace out for now, it’s late.

Stop Motion is Awesome Motion.

I love this video. Check it out – the song is called ‘Her Morning Elegance’ by Oren Lavie.

Your Necessary Dose of Kanye

Photo: Getty/Dave Hogan.

Filthy graffiti artist: Yours truly.

I shall now share with you Kanye West’s latest agenda item, as told to Details magazine:

“I like to embody titles, y’know, or words that have negative connotations, and explain why that’s good,” declares Kanye. “Take the word gay – like, in hip-hop, that’s a negative thing, right? But in the past two, three years, all the gay people I’ve encountered have been, like, really, really, extremely dope. Y’know, I haven’t, like, gone to a gay bar, nor do I ever plan to. But where I would talk to a gay person – the conversation would be mostly around, like, art or design – it’d be really dope. From a design standpoint, kids’ll say, ‘Dude, those pants are gay.’ But if it’s, like, good, good, good fashion-level, design-level stuff – where it’s on a higher level than the average commercial design stuff – it’s gay people that do that. I think that should be said as a compliment. Like, ‘Dude, that’s so good it’s almost … GAY.’”

You know what Kanye?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

Your sunglasses aren’t made of real glass. Think about that, and leave the heavier stuff for when you’re not checking out men’s pants or actively conversing with gay individuals, who you believe, as it appears to me, can only be male.

Edit: Forgot to mention this – it’s not to say it’s not a positive thing that he wants to change the connotation of the word ‘gay.’ That’s really important. I just don’t know how wise it is to change it to a synonym for ‘chic.’

Second edit: I’m also slightly afraid of him.