As I was reflecting on my vast repository of cartoon DVDs and comic books, I realized that while cracked.com makes lots of great numbered lists, I can make bad ones and still have people read them. Additionally, I’m sitting in the library and would rather do this than work any day.
I have decided to immortalize the biggest cartoon douche bags forevermore in this blog, where they will get the attention they deserve for being really, really sucky. This is a fun opportunity to reminisce on shows and movies of my childhood… or now, since I don’t seemed to have moved on from that part of my life. If you have captions to contribute or worse characters, feel free to comment and share.
The 20 Biggest Cartoon Jerks of All Time… for Lack of a Better Title.
20. Victor von Doom (Fantastic Four/Marvel Universe)
You got into Cornell, but Reed got into Harvard. Drink von Doom... drink.
As far as being a prick goes, this guy doesn’t really rank too highly on my list because he’s not that great/big deal as far as creative villains go. But that’s not the problem.
What really makes him an issue is that he got a full scholarship to an American university. One of note, I’m assuming, since Reed Richards the brilliant scientist who can bag hotties like Jessica Alba also went there. Why the fuck did he get this full ride? Because he spent years studying black magic at what I presume is the sorcery equivalent of the high school in High School Musical. Had I known you needed to have several black magic credits to your name to gain admission to such prestigious institutions instead of getting rejected from your top three choices, you know what I would have spent my high school years doing instead of student government and the yearbook.
A full scholarship. To an American university. After studying only black magic in the country of Latveria.
I’m American, and I studied lots of things in high school. And I go to college in Canada. Awesome. No really, I’m glad a disadvantaged youth such as he who poured himself into his studies can have great opportunities presented to him. Thrilled, even.
Best Quote:
“A Renoir. I have three myself. I had four, but ordered one burned . . . It displeased me.”
Doom discussed art with Tony Stark in Iron Man #249
19. Gargamel (The Smurfs)
Gargamel reads from Smurfians 3:5 "And the good Lord said, go amongst the Smurfs and be super, super lame."
If you aren’t familiar with this goober, his name is Gargamel and he’s the sorcerer arch-nemesis of our favorite Belgian communists, the Smurfs. Actually, they are pricks in their own right (talk about promotion of stereotyping and a lack of gender equality, welfare, or clothing) but we always find ourselves cheering for them in the face of Gargamel and his cat, Azrael (more on evil-hench cats later).
Gargamel pretty much sucks at magic and relies on weird potions to get his work done.
“Work” which consists of attempting to catch enough Smurfs for dinner and/or a potion to turn random shit into gold. Really creative buddy. Have you even thought of the fact that Smurfs are apparently an exhaustible resource? (the females are created with sorcery since all Smurfs are asexual). He really wants a delicious Smurf to top off his meal of shitake mushrooms since that’s all he eats in anticipation. He doesn’t even diversify his mushroom cuisine selection. Talk about narrow-minded.
Oh, and his plots are always foiled by the fucking Smurfs, despite the fact that he has five feet and wizardry skills on them. But whatever.
Best Quote:
“Those little blue bookends…” (In reference to Smurfs)
Yeah, not that funny, but oh well.
18. Simon the Monster Hunter (Aaahh!!! Real Monsters)
I never thought Google’s photo search would fail me, but in this case, it has. Think of Simon and despair, because ye who do not know him… well you watched one less awesome TV show in the 90s. Fun fact – Simon was voiced by James Belushi! Did you know that? I didn’t know that. Anyway, take my word for it. It’s not Simon Says, it’s Simon Sucks.
I’d try to put a best quote up here, but I don’t remember any nor can I find any online. This is a show I have to find on DVD or download at some point. If anyone is familiar with Mr. Crocker from Fairly Oddparents, his character had to have been heavily influenced by Simon because he is absolutely a doppelgänger.
17. Randall Boggs
This feels like a toothpaste commercial gone awry.
Randall is a Grade-A prick. No more needs to be said. Just look at his evil purple face.
Best Quote:
“Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Do you hear that? It’s the winds of change. “
16. Roger (Doug)
Do you like my leather jacket? I wear it because I'm a jackass.
If you watched Doug, which I’m betting many of this mysterious ‘you’ did, you’ll remember that Roger came from a trailer park with parents who didn’t love him and treated him like shit, scarring him for life and ensuring that he will never contribute to society in any positive way whatsoever. Well, tough cookies to society because Roger came out of that home with a thirst for vengeance for all of the people who didn’t wrong him, like Doug Funnie.
Doug, one of our favorite lovable childhood protagonists, was constantly plagued by this scurvy-afflicted jerk who was definitely colored in with a highlighter as opposed to normal ink. He was additionally cursed with a more-well-adjusted-to-being-a-teenager-despite-being-really-strange-big-sister, neighbors who were overbearing and I’m pretty sure communists, and classism at every turn. He lived in Bluffington, bumper sticker capital of the world and overridden with “nematodes,” which I looked at under a microscope in biology class but were apparently a fictional threat of epic proportions; a place where beets are a gourmet treat.
Roger didn’t help Doug’s adjustment to this new town at all, even though he had cool dude Skeeter to help him out (I’ll highlight Skeeter and canine pal Porkchop in a piece entitled “Awesome Cartoon Best Friends that Deserve More Attention” at a later date). Roger had a mangy (not kidding) purple cat and always wore suede shoes, which adds major tool points to his ensemble, and hazed Doug in a way worthy of the McGill football team a few years back. He was a pro with the peer pressure (for this I give him some respek) but I have to say, Roger was your typical miserable-at-home-and-projecting-it-onto-nice-people bully and I hated him for it.
Being a really cool person, I’ve linked you to the first episode of Doug here. Enjoy it, and feel only slightly sorry for Roger while you hate him for being mean to the Doug inside all of us. Also, Doug’s parents are hilarious and the beatboxing at every turn entertains me enough for the show to be a win regardless of any vegetable-pun plotline.
Best Quote:
Skeeter: “Cool hair, Roger! I like the way it’s all nice and pointy.”
Roger: “Aw, whaddya you know, Skeet Face?”
15. Eric Cartman (South Park)
Obviously.
14. Evil Hench-cats
Azrael (Smurfs)
America's Next Top Kitty
Lucifer (Cinderella)
Speaks for itself.
MADcat (Inspector Gadget)
I'm not impressed.
Mrs. Norris (Harry Potter)
Ain't no thang.
Meowth
Just shut up.
13. The Mooninites (ATHF)
Their names are Ignignokt and Err, and they shoot easily avoidable square-projectiles. I don't need to make a joke.
If you are familiar with Aqua Teen Hunger Force, you know these guys are absolute dicks. However, they are really, really funny, especially because they look like they are out of a combination of Space Invaders and the super-pixelated game Doom.
Best Quote:
- Fryman, we’re full of religion now. Everyone, bow your heads and pretend to be serious. -Ignignokt
- Sadness is for poor people! -Err
12. Rhonda (Hey Arnold!)
She makes people sit at the back of the bus... actually.
Rhonda is the self-proclaimed fashion icon of Arnold’s high school in Hey Arnold!, a staple in cartoons of our youth. What interests me is that she’s the supposedly fashionable one despite wearing the same outfit everyday… a red shirt and black pants. A red shirt which, mind you, does not flatter her one bit. Also, she enjoys throwing around her wealth and commitment to the middle school caste system like the U.S. government in the 1960s – this girl forces geeks to sit at the back of the bus on a daily basis. Really mature, Rhonda. Can’t wait to find you yelling at homeless orphans on the street next.
Best Quote:
Harold: I don’t want to go into the Tunnel of Love with you Rhonda!
Rhonda: Oh I know you like me Harold!
Harold: NO I DON’T! HELP! HELP!
11. Governor Ratcliffe (Disney’s Pocahontas)
Sexy.
Imperialism. The oppression of Native Americans. Men in high heels. Blatant lies about history as it happened, and definitely physical misrepresentation of real-life characters. These components make up the Disney film Pocahontas as we know it. I really loved the soundtrack, but what I didn’t love with this snooty patootie Governor Ratcliffe. If you recall him and his dog, Percy, you will remember that they sucked. Also, Ratcliffe’s legs look like they were drawn based on those of a meaty flamingo. That man is disproportional and I’ll tell you right now, if he were real, he would fall right over because those legs would not support his hefty torso. I disapprove.
Best Quote:
Wiggins: Do you think we’ll meet some savages?
Governor Ratcliffe: If we do, we shall be sure to give them a proper English greeting.
Wiggins: [holds up baskets of wine and cheese] Ooh, gift baskets!
Governor Ratcliffe: Oh, no. And he came so highly recommended.
10. Vegeta (Dragonball Z)
You know, he's really a sensitive guy.
This one’s a little off the mainstream, but Vegeta was one of the original villains in the show Dragonball Z, which I know I wasn’t the only person watching after school with her brothers every other day. He is one of a nearly extinct race of “Saiyans” to which the main character, Goku, also belongs. He is always trying to kick Goku’s ass and beat him in combat, and the entire show is essentially the group of main characters either preparing to fight or actually fighting. Vegeta eventually turns into a reliable member of the good guy group, but he’s still an ass. He pretty much hates everyone and everything and considers humans and all to be supremely inferior to his own skillz, which promptly get wrecked every time he fights Goku. So his pride takes a hammering for all eight or so seasons, and then the next show, Dragonball GT, which I never watched because I was in high school by then and had a semblance of a life outside of Toonami. Besides, they stopped showing Sailor Moon then anyway.
Best Quote:
He has a few… bear in mind, they are translations from the original Japanese.
- “My heart is calm and pure …pure EVIL!”
- “Kakarott! I’m going to kill you, your son and that bald guy!”
- “You ever had four black eyes?”
Fantastic.
9. Vicky (The Fairly Oddparents)
Satan.
Vicky is the epitome of evil cartoon babysitters – sadistic, cruel, and a sociopath who enjoys actively torturing children and making lots of money, preferably at the same time. She is the reason Timmy receives godparents because he is so actively miserable, probably from having parents who don’t seem to actually love him and from being abused to no end by teachers and Vicky herself. It’s actually kind of dark, but the show is pretty much hilarious. Vicky has to be one of the most evil cartoons to have ever posy across my television screen and give me all kinds of violent thoughts.
Best Quotes:
-I had the greatest dream. I almost took over the world and destroyed everybody.
-Mr. Turner: [the Turners confront Vicky after finally figuring out she's evil] So Vicky, what do you have to say for yourself?
Mrs. Turner: In the face of this of this overwhelming evidence that you are, and always have been, an evil, lying, troublemaking shrew!
Vicky: [in tears] I’m, I’m sorry! I blame television!
Mr. Turner: Nice try! What do you take us for, idiots?
Vicky: [uneasy] Yes?
8. Man With Black Hat (XKCD)
Though not strictly animated since he is in fact a character on a webcomic, Man With Black Hat is all kinds of evil. But he’s also completely hilarious. Be entertained by his jiggery-pokey to no end as he brings misery to all those who surround him. Here’s are some examples of his fiendish behavior:
Love him. This last one sums him up pretty well:
Awesome.
7. Sid Phillips (Toy Story)
He's so evil I can't even think of a remotely entertaining caption.
This is the kind of kid that makes you rethink child labor laws. This sadist takes toys and does horrible, horrible things to them – kind of like a mini-Dr. Frankenstein with braces and a future as a serial killer. He has a penchant for torturing his sister and was probably responsible for a rash of animal deaths in the area. He distinctly reminds me of Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre except he seems sickeningly more well-adjusted to society in that he… lives within one. I don’t know, his sheer evilness makes it difficult to write anything cohesive… I guess I can just recommend that you watch The Omen since I think it’s based off of his biography except substantially less repugnant. This is the most verbally abusive paragraph I’ve ever written.
Best Quotes:
Sid: “No-one has ever attempted a double bypass brain transplant before.”
Buzz: “I don’t believe that man has ever been to medical school.”
6. Angelica Pickles (Rugrats)
Avada Kedavra!
Angela Charlotte Pickles… really, who isn’t familiar with her? She reminds me distinctly of Roger in that her home environment isn’t the most pleasant – her parents love her but are rarely around and thus she acts up. I however don’t find that an excuse for her cruelty in that her parents substitute love for money and that should simply be enough for her. But no… it’s not. She has to torture our beloved Tommy (I think she does it because she discriminates against bald people) and when Susie, the cool new African-American member of the group comes along, Angelica’s distinct racism is brought to light as she is constantly attempting to undermine Susie at any given moment.
Best Quotes:
Tommy: [after he and Chuckie lost Cynthia] Angelica, we got something to tell ya’. Um, it’s about Cynthia.
Angelica: [pleading] Oh, Tommy, do you know where she is?
[suddenly violent]
Angelica: ‘Cause when I find out who took her, I’ll mash ‘em and crash ‘em and smash ‘em into a million zillion blobs of applesauce!
[normally]
Angelica: Now, what did you want to tell me?
Tommy: [gulp] Um… nothing.
5. Judge Doom (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)
Hawt.
This guy was a toon in disguise, and I’ll be honest, he scared the bejesus out of me when I was a kid. He tried to dissolve all of the toons in a vat of what was probably radioactive ooze, and it was pretty graphic. Just remembering it gives me the heebie-jeebies.
4. Dee Dee (Dexter’s Laboratory)
Hidden genius.
A creative aspect of Dexter’s Lab was that it always began from the status quo but often ended in an unresolved manner with one or more characters ending up as a mutated mass of protoplasm as a result of Dee Dee screwing around. She would ruin all of Dexter’s cool machines, often bringing lots of pain and ruination to everyone/thing around her. I am unable to accept the fact that this boy genius was continually thwarted by this shell of a human sister who undeniably has the IQ of a sea turtle. She always beats him at everything, and has ended up tricking him more than once with false information. And she’s never nice to him, especially in the earlier episodes when she was downright cruel. Lame.
Dee Dee is the embodiment of all stereotypes concerning girls – obsessed with unicorns, ballet, ponies and stuff like that. She’s also the leader of a diverse posse – Lee Lee is Asian and Mee Mee is African-American with afro puffs, the racist aspects of which I don’t even need to get into because anyone who has ever reflected on Barbie’s posse already knows everything that can be said on that front. I get that she wants to spend time with her little brother (cute) but I don’t think she needs to destroy his lab on multiple occasions. That’s multi-billion dollar equipment, I’m sure. How unreasonable. Also, her body proportions just don’t make sense. That seems to be a trend on this list.
3. Hexadecimal Reboot)
I legitimately fear you.
…
I hesitate in no way to say that Hexadecimal has to be the most evil being to come out of Canada since forever. Most people who grew up in Canada in the 90s/early 2000s are probably familiar with the show Reboot, and if so, they know who Hexadecimal is and were afraid that she would climb out of large computer monitors and eat them (us). Hexadecimal and Megabyte, the main villain of the series, were siblings and super freaking evil.
Hexadecimal is an insane sociopath of epic proportions. She wants to cause destructive chaos everywhere what the end results are, and doesn’t give a damn what happens to anyone, including herself. She also really hates her brother Megabyte and they are always beating up on each other because of sibling rivalry, except when Hexadecimal does it it wreaks havoc in their universe.
This weird virus-woman thing was absolutely terrifying to me as a child because of her unpredictability and supreme douchery. She eventually gets ‘defeated’ in a way by Bob, one of the main characters, and they sort of fall in love, and then sacrifices herself to save him and the Net, but I don’t really care. It doesn’t change the fact that for the most part, she is an insane witch lady with a weird sense of humor.
Most relevant quote:
“Now that is one strange lady” –Bob, about Hexadecimal
2. Darla Sherman (Finding Nemo)
Aakljsdf;alksdjfaklsdfja.
UGH. Darla. There is a reason that everytime she enters a scene the theme of Psycho plays. She killed one of the fishes she got in the first two minutes of owning it. She is a fish serial killer. A ferial killer? A kerial fisher? A sherial ifsh kilter? A demon with braces, freckles, stunted ability to speak English and no regard for life? Yes, that.
1. Trix Kids
It's only a matter of time until the homicides begin.
I can’t find a picture that really works for it, but I’m sure everyone will agree that those god damn kids need to give the Rabbit some Trix. I swear to God, if I have to put up with one more commercial in which he expends a lot of time and money putting together some ridiculous plot to eat a bowl of cereal and it gets foiled by some equivalent of racist for animals kids, shit’s going down. I can’t take it anymore. Enough is enough.
Honorable Mentions
Mandark (Dexter’s Lab)
His first name is 'Susan'
Nelson (The Simpsons)
I'm sure high school bullies everywhere model themselves after this great guy.
Oogie Boogie (The Nightmare Before Christmas)
Oh baby.
Dib (Invader Zim)
To be fair, Zim made this guy's life miserable.
Skeletor (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)
Whatever joke he's telling, it's probably not very funny.
Mumm-Ra (Thundercats)
He's probably going to qualify for social security soon.
