It had been far too long since I last visited the bizarre world of the Nizam household, but all the necessary elements were in place…late night shopping trip after which I ate two bags of kettle corn, a box of sushi, some extraneous chicken, and an entire box of blackberries? Yes! Haris’s mysterious arrival at around 3 in the morning from who knows what nefarious errand? You bet. Waking up to the frightening mutterings of at least one Urdu-speaking aunt of questionable sanity? Feels like home!
Next morning, Sana and Arman (who are now 8 and 6…I can’t believe how fast time goes) were home from school, Sana because she is always sick and Arman because why not. Sana is some sort of volatile mixture of Daenerys Targaryen and Franklin D. Roosevelt…authority comes naturally to her, she is compelling, intelligent, and domineering…and her toughness hides a fragile sickly person that I hope grows into more health as she ages. Teddy Roosevelt was a sickly child wasn’t he?
In the early afternoon, board games were determined to be the order of the day, and six capitalists got out the Nizam’s (as expected) very nice but incomplete Monopoly set (I’ll be the horse’s body, you be the stand it came on, and this Jack of Spades is Waterworks): myself, Nida, two young cousins (I’m terrible at ages, but 5th and 3rd grade I think) Fehraz and Amir…I’m fairly certain I spelled Fehraz wrong, so I hope Nida will correct me, Sana, and Arman.
Arman, who had never played before, got off to a frankly torrid start, buying up a couple railroads and New York Avenue, while I could not seem to land on anything that wasn’t already owned. Actually, the only property I managed to acquire by the traditional means of landing on it was Illinois Avenue.
Little children can roll dice and acquire properties as well as anyone, and they were surprisingly competent at the monetary dealings of the game (I was banker, as I always request to be), but where things threatened to make the game interesting and perhaps farcical were in the realm of trading. Sana, owner of St. Charles Place, wished to acquire States Avenue (or maybe it was the other way around, but who cares) from Arman, who declared that he would not part with it for less than 900 dollars. Amir was fond of offering 1 dollar for his brother’s entire investment portfolio, and it was clear that Park Place and Boardwalk were virtually priceless. When Fehraz landed on Park Place, he declared to Amir that he would only sell it for all of Amir’s remaining money and properties. And this while Boardwalk was still unclaimed!
Arman, via fortunate rolling and a key trade with Amir (only a few hundred dollars for his last orange for the monopoly…a common theme was a lack of consistent market value), acquired all the oranges and began improving on them with houses, becoming a clear leader in the game, and he knew it. “I have six properties!”
When you are playing Monopoly and you are losing to your six-year-old brother, do you:
A: Play fair, while praising his abilities
B: Help him win
C: Attempt to take advantage of his youthful trust by offering him below market value for his two railroads while asserting that “it’s the best offer you’re going to get”
Yes, if you are our favorite pint-sized Pakistani, diminutive Desi, sub-five foot subcontinental, miniscule Muslim, etc. ad infinitum, you chose answer C. To be fair, Nida later deliberately overpaid Arman for Mediterranean Avenue, but the karmic damage was done.
Meanwhile, houses were piling up on the Oranges, Sana fortuitously landed on Virginia Avenue to complete her monopoly, and I desperately overpaid Nida for Indiana Avenue so at least I would have two properties.
But still Boardwalk lay unclaimed, and its prospective owner could hold out hope of either a) uniting the Dark Blue Duo him or herself or at least b) Demanding exorbitant sums from Fehraz to pair it with Park Place. So who should land on Boardwalk but, of course, Arman, by this point richer than the Lannisters although his disorganized bankroll left open the question of exactly what his net worth might be. Fehraz sought to prey on the six-year-old, offering him about 275 dollars for Boardwalk, and then offering Ventnor Avenue or something like that (look, a property for a property!). Arman, after being advised by the banker that he was the one in the catbird seat here, decided not to sell Boardwalk and to purchase Park Place once he had acquired “six of these, so 3000 dollars”, pointing to his stack of five hundred dollar bills. It was as cute from a six-year-old as it would be annoying from an adult.
One turn, I landed on New York Avenue with one house, paying Arman the entirely reasonable price of 90 dollars. On his next turn, he chose to upgrade the properties to three houses. On my roll, I needed a two for the lucky monopoly on Kentucky Avenue, but even if that unlikely event didn’t occur I would be out of the woods for a time. The roll? A three. The space? Chance. The card? Go back. Three spaces. 600 dollars rent on New York Avenue, meaning immediate mortgaging of my two feeble properties.
Arman was a generous overlord, offering to defer my debts (and those of others) and even loaning me forty dollars for unclear but very cute reasons. When he bankrupted me on a hotel a few turns later and thus landed the two red properties, it was already clear that the game was soon to end. He got Kentucky Avenue, and was able to build hotels all in one go (1800 dollars to Arman was nothing at that point). A six-year-old, destroying us all as a titan of business.
This got me thinking about the mathematics of Monopoly, as I have done so several times before. I can’t find the notebook in which I performed this analysis some years ago, but what better way to spend an afternoon than to redo it? More forthcoming as Nida and I once again try to revive this dormat blog.
